I’m not eating well though.

I’m fatter and getting fatter still.

There is no automatic consequence of this easier life flowing into eating fewer calories and losing weight. I haven’t even eaten well this morning. Breakfast was ok but I followed it with leftover empty calories from the indulgences I bought last night.

I tried to make an appointment with my psych yesterday and it’s just too hard to see her regularly any more. Her location and times make it just possible if I was desperate – but spending 5pm to 8pm on a weeknight for a chat without immediate consequences, when I’m already short on time and energy doesn’t seem like a good choice. I’m not comfortable about accepting an offer of 6:00 pm anyway, because I’m sure it’s just her trying too hard to be accommodating despite it not being her usual hours.

At any rate, I thought I would try to use the resources I already have, and this blog is one.

I’m thinking I want to just be able to do something that will help me make a change in this area, rather than drifting. I know this has worked int he past, and there is no baggage involved. This place is just here, and although I didn’t want to click on the link when I saw it a couple of weeks ago – not liking the idea that it involves commitment – here I am.

I weighed myself this morning and I was 103 point something kilos. Last time I weighed myself when I came home from hospital at Christmas time (after several days of fewer calories), I weighed 100 kgs.

I figured I may have gained weight (before looking at the OTHER scales), because I know I have been regularly eating many snacks and I know the calories involved must be over maintenance every day. Yes, when we gain, that is pretty much the reason, calories over maintenance. Also, I think I can feel my belly overhang touching the skin beneath when I am standing. That’s not nice. I want to make that go away.

So yeah, I haven’t even been keeping a lid on it. Time for a change.

I want to be able to put my shoes on without thinking about my gut being in the way.

I want little kids not to wonder if I have a baby in my belly.

I want to know that I am doing what I should to do the best I can to look after my body today, every day.

For that, I gotta go now.

I will get ready for a swim, despite my fatness – I’ll wear shorts and take a big towel. I’m going to stop at the beach on the way home from dropping Nai at her friends. I’m already too puffed and feeling fat to imagine beginning my regular weekend exercise with a walk.

I won’t plan daily exercise right now. I move around a lot at work and my time is short. I will try to strap on a step counter and see how much exercise I actually get on regular teaching days. It might be enough. Then I will try to add on extra movement for a while on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Already feeling a disconnect between this idea and my previous plan to stop in at school. Whatever.

Plan for now:

-get ready to get Nai

-take Nai

… oh shit, I need white card, for school.

ur plan

-drop Nai

-go to beach-move in water for half an hour (longer if I can)

-come home – shower

- go to buy white card – sheesh I can even get it at Carine (but what about chenille sticks?) – okay get it at Balcatta means today

- at home, read books and finish cut and paste on Curriculum (yes I do feel like doing this right now, do want to)

- hope Nai doesn’t call me for another lift too soon and make it awkward – at least slotting the swimming in first will help

I should call/visit my mum and call my aunty too. Ah well. Also there is my prep for the coming week. It doesn’t seem that huge though. I will trust that I can deal with it tomorrow.

Oh, and eating. Geez I dunno I’m not hungry now. Buy more sugar snap peas and carrots and zucchini at Stirling after I get the card and chenille. And some yoghurt. And some cottage cheese. Have cheese crackers and veges later today, then eat a careful amount of what John cooks, add veges if need be, eat yoghurt and fruit and then stop. It’s nice to say to myself that I will stop, that I have no obligation to keep eating during the evening, I will be okay without it. I will feel fine. There’s no reason why not.

Cool. Here goes.

At recess I felt hungry and I had a cracker – not a big deal – but I don’t normally.  I was feeling a bit stressed.  This week one of my students returned from a 2 and a half month overseas trip.  He didn’t do any reading or writing while he was gone, so that’s a big hole in a year where they have only just started to learn to read and write!  It’s added a bit of an edge to what I’m doing.  It was just a bit busy today too.  Also I had to leave early to take my daughter to have an ultrasound of her kidneys.  They came up clear, but I was a bit more concerned about it than I usually would have been, as my mother-in-law died of kidney failure.   While we were waiting for the ultrasound I checked with staffing and found out something about the way I need to apply for next year’s work that made me feel pressured too.   After the ultra sound, I had an argument with my daughter about chores and wasn’t home long before I had to go out and take my son to his friend’s and do some shopping.  I did get time for some beans and tuna first, but again I wasn’t sure whether I was doing that for physical or emotional reasons.  I thought it was good that I was able to remember that although it didn’t seem as though the beans and tuna would be as much food as some other healthy food it would probably be more satisfying and less likely to be the start of additional eating.

None of this is really stressing me now, but it did.  I did need to stop and pay attention to it because by the time I got to the shops the binge impulse was strong and I wasn’t sure how to handle it.  I started saying to myself that there was no need to worry about the performance management stuff, but then I was thinking trying to stop myself from having a feeling, just kinda makes the binge impulse worse.  I do have a habit of trying to reduce my stress by working out why I don’t have to worry about what I’m worrying about though, and I don’t exactly like stopping myself from doing it.  I anticipate it making me more anxious – and then I feel as though that will start a spiral – and start feeling as though I don’t have the skill or whatever it is I need to fix myself, but at any rate I muddled through and I’m feeling ok now.

I don’t know what worked really – a little bit of everything?  I reminded myself that although it feels like the the urge to eat badly will never go away now, it will; that although I feel depressed and as though that won’t change, it will.  I had no faith in those ideas as I repeated them to myself because they just don’t seem true at those moments, but I knew that I was supposed to remember them.  I should say that thinking that if I binged (yet again!), I would feel obliged to document it here gave me pause too.  Finding something healthy to splurge on (expensive grapes), helped, but I know that’s a dangerous route to follow.  Also, I told myself that I would make time to think more and probably write about about the issues asap (I had to get home again first).  I think that helped.  I hadn’t had enough water either – accidentally because I was rushing around, and I think fixing that up helped.

So, although I have come to the end of the day with no more damage than a cracker at recess and some ridiculously expensive grapes (I thought buying expensive ones was helpful at the time), I really went through a testing time during the afternoon.  Oh and the spaghetti arrived on my plate with way too much oil and carbs and limited protein – but that’s just one of the ups and downs – not too threatening.  I put my request for no more choc coated icecreams today, so I’m not saying much about the oil yet.

At recess I felt hungry and I had a cracker – not a big deal – but I don’t normally. I was feeling a bit stressed. This week one of my students returned from a 2 and a half month overseas trip. He didn’t do any reading or writing while he was gone, so that’s a big hole in a year where they have only just started to learn to read and write! It’s added a bit of an edge to what I’m doing. It was just a bit busy today too. Also I had to leave early to take my daughter to have an ultrasound of her kidneys. They came up clear, but I was a bit more concerned about it than I usually would have been, as my mother-in-law died of kidney failure. While we were waiting for the ultrasound I checked with staffing and found out something about the way I need to apply for next year’s work that made me feel pressured too. After the ultra sound, I had an argument with my daughter about chores and wasn’t home long before I had to go out and take my son to his friend’s and do some shopping. I did get time for some beans and tuna first, but again I wasn’t sure whether I was doing that for physical or emotional reasons. I thought it was good that I was able to remember that although it didn’t seem as though the beans and tuna would be as much food as some other healthy food it would probably be more satisfying and less likely to be the start of additional eating.

None of this is really stressing me now, but it did. I did need to stop and pay attention to it because by the time I got to the shops the binge impulse was strong and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I started saying to myself that there was no need to worry about the performance management stuff, but then I was thinking trying to stop myself from having a feeling, just kinda makes the binge impulse worse. I do have a habit of trying to reduce my stress by working out why I don’t have to worry about what I’m worrying about though, and I don’t exactly like stopping myself from doing it. I anticipate it making me more anxious – and then I feel as though that will start a spiral – and start feeling as though I don’t have the skill or whatever it is I need to fix myself, but at any rate I muddled through and I’m feeling ok now.

I don’t know what worked really – a little bit of everything? I reminded myself that although it feels like the the urge to eat badly will never go away now, it will; that although I feel depressed and as though that won’t change, it will. I had no faith in those ideas as I repeated them to myself because they just don’t seem true at those moments, but I knew that I was supposed to remember them. I should say that thinking that if I binged (yet again!), I would feel obliged to document it here gave me pause too. Finding something healthy to splurge on (expensive grapes), helped, but I know that’s a dangerous route to follow. Also, I told myself that I would make time to think more and probably write about about the issues asap (I had to get home again first). I think that helped. I hadn’t had enough water either – accidentally because I was rushing around, and I think fixing that up helped.

It’s just a possibility yes. It’s a sense I have of feeling off, of being on awkward terrain. When did it arrive? As I was driving home. OMG weird, yes, it was when I was still feeling a bit disgruntled about having to pack up after work, instead of finishing what I was doing, where I was. On Tuesdays the children go home earlier than usual, so apparently that means the cleaners can leave earlier than usual, so I have to as well. Then my car didn’t seem quite right and I wondered why and if it was a tyre. Hmm. I’ll go check that out. Mind you that can only either turn out to be a tyre which was the thought that worried me in the first place (cos it would mean I’d neglected them), or not a tyre, in which case there would be something not right but it would probably be something worse than a tyre. I’ve resolved a timing issue I had. I have to take my girl for some tests on Thursday and I’ve decided to get a relief teacher in, rather than mess around any other way with it. I’ve resolved the walking. My husband will be late home, so I’ll walk the dog myself. The kitchen’s a mess, but there’s no reason my girl can’t do that while I’m walking the dog. Okies. I’ll get the dog and stop on the way to check the tyres, and then go for a walk. When I get back, I’ll recheck that the kitchen is fixed, and then finish my school stuff. I will print the word cards I was making. I will add a few words. I will write some words for the display board. I will write an Individual Education Plan for the boy who’s finally come back from holidays. I will write my notes for the week and include the ones I need for Thursday now that I’m taking it off. I will send an email to Paula as I won’t be there on Thursday to see her. I will ring staffing about whether my application for work next year needs to be in a special format. I will sort out things on my desk and in my school bags, so that I’m ready to go. Then that is all. After that I will watch NCIS, and I will enjoy it! I will cash in my $25 instant win scratchy that I bought when I was in a good mood yesterday and buy another one.

Other things I need to do. Work out a spelling improvement package for my son. See Graham in the morning about Thursday. Get my desk tidied and some things displayed in my classroom. Ring staffing. Organize new magnetic boards and lend my surplus materials to Fiona. Go to bed at a reasonable hour. Get up earlier. If I went to bed at 10:30 I should be able to get up at 6:30. I never do though…

I was definitely stressed at work today too. Why? Because Hossain is back? It was that. Also I have to prep to teach “ur”. Also I need to do lots of spelling revision on the digraphs. They don’t even know the consonant digraphs … Well it feels like they don’t.

That’s the other thing to do tonight wrap up the spelling assessment. Tomorrow afternoon I want to start the kids on their T&E projects. I will get them to do the designs. I have to look at the assessment guidelines first though. So that’s another thing to do quickly tonight – go to the portal. Also, check my emails.

There was something else too.  WACOT?

Naomi’s pole.

Here’s a link to the clouds video I mentioned earlier.  I’d lost an old thread where I posted a few I liked, so I just typed a couple of words to get this, watched it, then went exploring.  I linked this one, because it was where I started, and because he talks a little about how we can use these short things to impact during the rest of the day and the fact that relaxing can help us to think better as well.

There’s an amazing amount of stuff uploaded to do with relaxation though and probably something to suit everyone.  Some like his contain talk but others just focus on images combined with music or sound combinations, some on breathing, and stretching.  Some of them I noticed today, have sounds that induce alpha or even theta waves too.  I know tastes vary across extremes, but personally I find it hard to listen to that stuff without automatically becoming extremely relaxed.

Well, I was going to talk about me being more relaxed and my stress levels being less, but you know, anyone who has to put such a long preamble onto what they say, probably isn’t all that relaxed …

Still I had a couple of thoughts that surprised me and which have had a impact so I’ll share.

One.  One day I was thinking about something I wouldn’t want my kids to some time or other find out I’d done, and thinking how it might affect them if they knew, and then I thought: what if I found out my own father had done the same thing, how would I feel?  And instantly I realized that I would actually feel incredibly relieved.   That was a surprising idea.  I guess it told me that despite all the years, I was still holding myself to some standard of perfection that I imagined he lived.  Only, actually he died while I still thought both my parents were absolutely perfect. (Somehow my children have managed to escape ever going throught that stage … )  I even had some outside pressure put on me at that time to behave well because that’s what he would have wanted.

Two.  I read some article, created for another purpose altogether that talked about perfectionists.  It was saying that people sometimes call themselves “perfectionist” when they’re applying for jobs (ie replying to the “what is your biggest fault” question), thinking that this is a good trait.  However, it also said that perfectionists are not people who achieve at a high standard, so much as people who set themselves an unrealistically high standard, and actually can be so balked by that, that they actually achieve less than they would otherwise.  Also it said that they go to pieces when things go wrong.  Well, I don’t go to pieces when things go wrong (I think), but the other bit finally hit home to me.  If I want to achieve goals that are important to me, I have to become more realistic about them.  Can I fit 4 hours work into 2?  Really?  Why feel bad because I didn’t?  Why feel anxious about the fact that I won’t be able to?

Anyhow.  I’m expecting myself to put in less hours on my job than I was.  I don’t think I’m achieving less, I think I’m achieving more – as far as my work goes.  It’s not my work that’s less, it’s my expectation.  The idea being that if I can’t do everything I’m supposed to do in a reasonable amount of time, then maybe what I’m supposed to do isn’t reasonable … Also, I can then be more effective when I’m doing other things, and enjoy whatever I’m doing more, because I’m not feeling so guilty about everything else I’m not doing …

Probably I’m not really there yet, I guess, but I’m working on it. I think it’s relevant to this whole puzzle

Then there was the psych visit.  I had already figured out by today that the issue of my father dying, and us shifting had had a heaps bigger impact on me than I’d ever realized.  Of course I always knew it was massive – but I was 10.  There was plenty I didn’t understand about how I was coping.  I can’t remember if I ever said, that one evening my mum was packing, because we were planning to shift, when we got the news of my dad’s accident – so within an hour, we left.  He died that night and except for a little while on the day the furniture was moved, I really never went back.  As was common then, we children didn’t go to the funeral either.  It was a terribly abrupt transition.  In today’s session I was talking about how long I was grieving afterwards and then I realized that on top of trying not to cry at all around other people, and trying to work out how maybe it really wasn’t even true, eventually I totally stopped myself grieving, because after 11 months or so, my mum got engaged.

Additionally, Linda pretty much said that allowing myself full access to the feelings was appropriate, it was what I did next that was the issue I had to deal with now (ie what to do instead of eating), and that was what I needed to think about before I went back to her in a fortnight -  and then it was time to go again.  I’m not even sure I quite get what it is I have to think about, let alone what to think.  I mean – when I think about it, all I come up with is things that I’ve always seen as ways to change how I feel – and I don’t think that can be right.  I dunno.  I feel like this is sorta where I came in.  I started by thinking that my issue was that I didn’t deal well with negative emotions – now I’ve confirmed that – found a source for the behaviour – tried to be more accepting of them (which seems to be enough to to actually deal with the eating all by itself, as long as the emotion is the right size) – but as for what you’re supposed to do after that – buggered if I know.  Oh well, I guess I don’t have to know the answer right away.  It’s not an exam.  I do have to know the answer though.  Surely it is [B]the[/B] critical answer.  Mum was saying tonight that when I was grumpy as a kid I used to go and play in the sandpit.  I can’t exactly do that.  Maybe I need to do more gardening, or get some clay? Does it have to be an answer that takes time?  I don’t always have time, or else I don’t have it just when I wish I did.

Anyhow, I was exhausted, and I was pretty much ready for an evening totally alone just dealing with the emotional fall out afterwards.
Yet, what I actually had to do was run around buying three people three different dinners, helping my daughter dress, fielding phone calls, fiddling with my son’s tie, driving him when I didn’t expect to and didn’t have time to, not eating properly, changing my clothes, putting on makeup, picking my mum up, listening to her talk like an old lady, getting lost because it was dark and a t-junction had been changed to a roundabout, sitting at an aromatherapy party run by an overenthusiastic very long winded sales lady, while sitting on the old couch they don’t normally use, on the middle bit on a piece of wood, between my daughter who didn’t get the jokes and wanted them the explained, and my mum, who couldn’t hear them and wanted them repeated.  Eventually, the woman stopped talking about oils and gave us a little break before she moved onto perfumes.  I used the time to take about 30 photos of my girl playing with my sister’s puppy.  Finally I bought some rose oil at a ridiculous price, and drove home, got here about 11:45, and tried to comfort my son who had got himself upset over his girlfriend …

And I dunno.  Maybe the calories worked out ok in the end – ok for maintenance, anyway.  The food wasn’t ideal.

I’m a bit confused and I don’t talk to about this elsewhere so I think I’ll write about it here anyway.

This is what I wrote yesterday.  I didn’t feel sure about publishing it though – partly because I wasn’t all that sure if it was accurate.  I still don’t know if it is accurate, but I want to post it anyway.

[QUOTE]Yesterday, I think I figured out when it was that I started having an unhealthy approach to food.  I don’t quite see [I]how[/I] that will help, but I suppose it might.  Wow, the amount that has been coming back to me now that I have started remembering is amazing to me.  It’s not suppressed information – just stuff I forgot because it was so long ago I think.  I really like being able to remember little details from my childhood.  From here I can see so clearly how hard my dad worked – because I can see the things he made – after wondering about details – suddenly I get flashes – I’m looking one way and then I turn my head and just see what used to be there … pipes, water tanks, uncleared land, the vegetable garden, concrete paths – farming really – all that fencing … posts, gates, wires … I remember him taking me with him sometimes and playing near him.  It wasn’t his job doing all that – it was just what he did when he wasn’t working shiftwork.

Linda tried hard a while ago to see if I could remember people comforting me with food when I was young but I couldn’t – and I don’t think they did.  I think I did it myself when I had to cope with losing my perfect dad and my idyllic home all in one night and I’d reached an age where I had more freedom to control what I ate.  I also think I started overtly denying my emotions then, just to be polite.[/QUOTE]

Anyway, the thing is that I am now still aware of constantly remembering more things, only despite them being things I liked, and being glad to get the images back; now it makes me feel the pain I felt after my dad died … so  I’m in this weird state of having my normal life – which is not too bad – great parent teacher evening for example, cuddles from my kids and husband – and feeling like I want to cry all the time.  I wish I was seeing Linda earlier, but I don’t see her till Friday week and I know it’s hard to make extra appointments.

It does make me want to eat too.  Or something does.  I’m still eating a bit awkwardly, though it’s not full on bingeing – it is emotional eating, a bit compulsive, but limited – not incessant.  It’s been disruptive having training last night after school and the parent/teacher evening night.  I think someone stuffed up the programming there, making them two nights in a row -probably the deputy principal who’s stuck in London.    Everyone is blaming him anyway.

Ummm.  Yanno.  I see the value in looking back – but it seems like this level of emotion waiting for me in every quiet moment, is a bit of overkill while I’m trying to lead my normal life.   Yet saying I don’t want it, I don’t want to feel it; that it’s in the way of my life and what else I want to do, that I know it’s there but don’t want to feel it and why should I … Well I guess that sort of attitude to my emotions is something I did back then, something I’ve done a lot over the years.  It’s something which has turned out to be a real problem for me.

Meantime I’m sitting here, half attending to a tv show about a scientific investigation into what might have caused the issues in the Bermuda Triangle and talking to my son about his history assignment – and typing this.  Soon though I have to go to bed, and try to get to sleep.  Is this why some people think they get to sleep faster with the tv on?

Linda tried hard a while ago to see if I could remember people comforting me with food when I was young but I couldn’t – and I don’t think they did.  I think I did it myself when I had to cope with losing my perfect dad and my idyllic home all in one night and I’d reached an age where I had more freedom to control what I ate.  I also think I started overtly denying my emotions then, just to be polite.

While I was tidying up, I made myself a space out in the back room where I can exercise when walking isn’t an option – which it often won’t be from now on.  It’s not quite welcoming out there yet.  I won’t get my school planning done if I work on that now though, it better wait till next weekend.

I might aim to go for a short walk Tuesday and Thursday afternoons and skip Wednesday I think.